Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy by Eisenberg Ophira

Author:Eisenberg, Ophira [Eisenberg, Ophira]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781580054584
Publisher: Seal Press
Published: 2013-03-26T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 13

RENT A WRECK

It was the dawn of a new millennium, and everyone was freaking out that after January 1 their computers wouldn’t be able to keep time. I was living in a two-bedroom apartment above a secondhand bookstore in Little Italy, the coolest part of town. My roommate was a jazz musician dating a bassist, our upstairs neighbor was a makeup artist, and I was a struggling stand-up comedian in love with an improviser. We were all very impressed with ourselves.

Even though I lived there for four years, much of my Toronto Era was a blur. It was a particularly debaucherous time in my life, which is saying something. One of the city’s many nicknames is Hogtown, as it used to be a livestock-processing center. I made sure I lived up to that moniker.

Sadly, the improviser and I weren’t meant to be. We simply had different values. He wanted stability, companionship, and success in his career, and I wanted to PAR-TAY.

Now, even the word party makes me feel tired. I rebounded with anyone who showed a flicker of interest. He went on to date a taller, prettier, more successful version of me, a comedic actress named Olivia Rosenbaum. It was like he created her in his shed.

The epitome of the struggling artist, I worked ten different temporary jobs to make rent, and spent half the night at the comedy club hoping to get on, and the other half at the bar hoping to get off. Seeing as stage time was hard to come by, in the end, I’d built up a bigger reputation at my neighborhood bar than at Yuk Yuk’s. This bar was called Ted’s Wrecking Yard and had the atmosphere of an alcoholic’s garage with a pool table in the back and a small stage for the occasional indie band. The combination of the pent-up energy from not getting on stage enough and the grungy atmosphere of Ted’s transformed me into a different, more confident version of myself. My audience was the bartender and fellow patrons. The bartender even nicknamed me “the troublemaker,” as I tried to impress him once by saying something ridiculous like “trouble relaxes me.” Evidently, I watched too many episodes of Knots Landing as a kid. It was at this dark drinking establishment that I perfected the power of suggestion. I wasn’t so much a tease as I was a taunt. Or a good improviser.

My method was as follows: I’d find a free bar stool and order a drink. If a guy sat down beside me, I’d say something like, “You can’t sit here unless you buy me a drink, and I’m stealing one of your cigarettes.” Then I’d order two Maker’s Marks, turn back, and ask accusingly, “You do drink bourbon, don’t you?” and lift my glass for a toast. Boldness goes a long way, and I had a pretty good return rate with this bulldozing technique. It was pre-foreplay role-playing. Most of the guys were caught off guard by my brash behavior and found it amusing.

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